It’s been a while since I’ve written. I always have the intent to write here every day so that I can keep track of everything that’s happening and how I’m feeling, but sometimes it’s all just too overwhelming and I don’t know where to start.
As I write this, Iver is now 26 weeks and four days old. He is still growing in the womb and amazingly things are still remaining healthy as far as my wife’s body goes. I went for another ultrasound today (they are scheduled for every Monday) and things are looking good for him. Two weeks ago he was at 717 grams, when they weighed him today, he was 1066 grams (2lbs, 6oz).
Last week, I took a tour of the NICU and saw a baby that was at 900 grams. It gave me a lot of perspective and made me feel more confident that my son is going to make it. My head and my heart are constantly playing this chess match and it’s so painful. On one hand I can’t wait to meet my son and try and give him the best life possible and try my hardest to be a great dad for him, on the other hand I know that the day or the day after he is born will be the day that I have to say goodbye to Robyn. Knowing that sooner or later I will (“hopefully”) be splitting my time between the NICU with my newborn son and having to start grieving all over again and probably much harder… I can’t describe the feeling but it’s very overwhelming.
It is so tough to see her every day. She still looks so beautiful, and for the most part she looks like she’s sleeping. I miss her so much. I’m so proud of her for how strong she is holding up for Iver. I wish so badly that I could talk to her just one more time. I’m trying so hard to stay so strong but when I think about having to live the rest of my life without her, it’s so hard.
I have decided to take a leave from work. I tried going in for a few hours here and there over the past few weeks and hoped that I could use work as a distraction, but I have far too much on my mind and so much preparation to do for the future that I simply can’t focus on working.
I am so thankful for my friends that are always making themselves available for me, as well as my family and her family. I’m so grateful to everyone at the hospital who is helping to make this all possible and recently there have been a few wonderful members of the community who have offered to try and help with some type of funds to help out Iver and I. My work has also been incredibly supportive throughout all this. I don’t know what I would’ve done without all of these people helping me all the time. It is a surreal feeling to feel so lucky because of all the support and also so incredibly unlucky because of what happened to Robyn.
Over the next few days my plans include cementing leave from work details, creating a fund at the bank, beginning to prepare for the eventual funeral that will need to happen, and starting to prepare for what will hopefully be meeting my son sometime in the next 7 1/2 weeks.
For now I will just continue to hope that every day is the same as the next and that I’m able to accomplish the things that I need to accomplish to continue to move forward.